Irregular Joe: Why Biden Shouldn’t Be President

In spite of what has been the single nastiest election in American history (yes, ever) many folks are already turning their bloodshot eyes to the 2020 election.

(Assuming we’re  not all dead or in internment camps, obviously.)

“Will he? Won’t he?”

That’s the question folks are asking themselves.


In spite of Biden’s declaration, it’s still unclear if Biden actually will run in 2020. Which hasn’t stopped  countless hopefuls from working themselves into a frenzy.


That’s a strong reaction, to say the least, and even more surprising once you consider how far Biden’s come. His initial run against Obama in the 2008 primaries fizzled out dismally. In his first term as VP, Biden swiftly gained a reputation for his repeated gaffs, earning a reputation as an affable buffoon (and certainly The Onion got their mileage out of him).


I’m honestly a little worried about what The Onion‘s gonna do without him.

Following the tragic death of his son in 2015, the public began to rally around Biden, elevating him from clown-prince to some sort of wise, grandfatherly figure with a penchant for practical jokes.



Now that he’s dropping hints about running in 2020 (which, by the way, means absolutely ****ing nothing, people), folks are starting to perk up their ears and excitedly whisper about the kind, witty, ghost-of-democrats-past who will save us from President Scrooge.


I know it should be “Ghost of Democrats Present” but the metaphor only holds up so long.

Folks, let’s get real here. Biden is not your friend.

All those jokes- as funny as they are- are things of your own creation. Biden did not pretend to be gay to freak out Pence. Biden did not have a grow-house behind the Oval Office. Biden did not ask to punch Trump.

He doesn’t share your views on pop culture, he doesn’t play video games, he doesn’t go on magical adventures.

Joseph Biden is an extremely rich, old, white Democrat.


The whole crazy uncle schtick doesn’t work so well when you use an unflattering picture.

He voted for the Iraq War, stepped up the war on drugs, and helped militarize the police. Policies drafted and championed by Biden in the 80s and early 90s helped create the mass incarceration state plaguing this nation today. Biden has supported and continues to the support the death penalty.

And that’s not even touching on his role as vice president.

Biden didn’t stand by the administration during the continued wars, mass surveillance, and economic depression, Biden was the administration. Every indication points to Biden being just as hawkish and hardline as Hilary Clinton. He’s even gone further than Clinton in his rabid support for the Israeli apartheid regime. He’s not some liberal Obi-Wan Kenobi, he’s Darth ****ing Vader.

In terms of economics, Biden has remained a free-market pawn, helping clear the way for neoliberalism in the 90s. Biden is not now (nor was he ever) here to create some sweeping New Deal for a new America. He, much like his infinitely less-popular counterpart, Clinton, is a member of the old guard, content to stay the course (no matter how disastrous for America’s poor and working class).

So can we stop?

Again, the memes- hilarious. The Onion articles- some of the best. But that is not the man who will be prospectively running in 2020. Strip away the jokes and all that’s left underneath is a standard politician, as mediocre as any other.

Let’s face it. Electing a guy just because you’ve projected onto him some fantastical, unerring personality onto him…

…Well, doesn’t that sound a little familiar?


No, Biden is certainly not the same as Trump.

He’s just not your pal either.

All images retrieved via Imgur, Blogspot, and Tumblr, fair use.


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