EVAN: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the first installment of E> where Gordon and I try to uncover the magic that was lost. The last post we did fell a little flat, so we’re here to casually discuss a subject we both know is awesome: DEADLIEST WARRIOR.
GORDON: That’s right- Deadliest Warrior, a show 90% about mutilating ballistic gel dummies, and it was STILL too intellectual for Spike. At least, that’s my version of why they cancelled it. You can probably tell we’re a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
EVAN: Ugh, Spike. Have you seen the little bits of footage they slot in between shows to fill up the space?
GORDON: I have not.
EVAN: It’s like . . . Here, let me find one.
Readers, the following is kinda PG-13. I kind of apologize for embedding this, but it’s just too ridiculous not to:
GORDON: Wow. That DOES kinda encapsulate the entire channel. But anyway, we’re here to talk about all the victories and flaws of that tragically short-lived show.
EVAN: We both made a point of catching up with Deadliest Warrior whenever it came out, because I feel it’s like everything sports is, but more enjoyable-
Ex. “Of COURSE a broadsword is going to pierce their armour, point goes to knight!”
GORDON: It really is true- we had our teams to root for, our bets on the side, and our howls of indignation when they gave points to the team using the flamethrower (despite how impractical it is) easily rivalled that of any football fan cursing out a ref for a lousy call. But it was more than that.
It was the marriage between fantasy and reality. The overlap between the jock and nerd cultures that made it strike such a chord.
EVAN: I mean, we’re not sporty guys by any means,
GORDON: YOU aren’t a sporty guy. I have a green belt in Judo. . .
EVAN: WE’RE not sporty guys by any means, but we still yelled at that screen like we were the very guys hefting around the battle-axes. I want to say there’s something inherently manly about that, but I don’t want the execs at Spike to pat themselves on the back for a job well done.
GORDON: Well, certainly not since they pulled the plug on the show just as it was really starting to take off. By the end, they were really pumping in the history and psychological factors that would’ve been involved.
EVAN: And it was amazing. They started pitting military leaders against each other, and implemented their strategies into the simulations! That was everything we already loved plus even more thinking. We saw absolutely nothing wrong with that.
GORDON: But apparently someone at Spike did. What really kills me is that DW wasn’t immediately picked up by History or Discovery. That’s the real kicker; like an orphaned child being passed over by two perfectly fit and loving parents.
EVAN: Let me take this time to show you guys what we’re getting at with a video, since I’m gonna be that guy this conversation:
Remember all of our suggestions we had for making the show better? We definitely had an issue with the siege weapons. . .
GORDON: Refresh our memories.
EVAN: Well, for battles in Season 2 like Roman Centurion v. Rajput Warrior they would give the former a Scorpion, which was essentially a large mounted crossbow. Who would ever bring that to a fight with another guy?
GORDON: Michael Bay, but go on.
EVAN: I mean, not if it was just the two of you. We definitely had problems like that in the past.
GORDON: Absolutely. And their love affair with the flamethrower was lousy.
EVAN: Ugh. That’s just not a smart weapon.
GORDON: I mean, that’s a bulky, brutish weapon that’ll be more of a hindrance than a help.
EVAN: And it didn’t work with the location [a junk yard] that they picked for that particular fight [Taliban vs. IRA].
GORDON: Just because it looks cool, doesn’t mean it should be awarded points. But these are all trifling issues, and issues that were being progressively dealt with. Let’s not forget they had a show after the show that let the fans call in with their own complaints.
EVAN: That was really well done.
You said that it not being picked up was the biggest tragedy, but I have a different candidate. The fact that they ended the series with the episode Zombies v. Vampires.
GORDON: Why would you classify that as a tragedy? I thought that episode was kinda cool, even if the vampires were notched up too high. . .
EVAN: I mean, yeah, it was cool, but it was Deadliest Warrior, not Deadliest Mythical Being. That’s an entirely different show.
GORDON: Granted, but I understood it to be a single show something special to be done each season.
EVAN: Then that’s why I think it’s a tragedy. Because they ended it on a note they thought would be special, and would continue on. And instead it just ended. Not with weapons tests and men grunting and swinging steel, but with a simulation of vampires clawing viciously at the lumbering undead.
GORDON: I wouldn’t classify that as a tragedy, but that’s just me.
EVAN: Fair enough. I mean, here, let’s list all the things they missed by ending it at three seasons:
GORDON: Countless other cultures and eras; I was still waiting for an Arab warrior of some sort-
EVAN: Closest thing we ever got was the Persian Immortal. Or Lawrence of Arabia. And I agree that neither count.
GORDON: Camels and elephants. Dang how I wished I coulda seen them bring a camel into battle.
Tell me, what match-up did you want to see happen that we never got a chance to?
EVAN: I really wish that they hadn’t matched up Spartan and Ninja, since we knew right off the bat who would win-
Greeks v. Romans would’ve been pretty cool. A heavily armoured battle would have been so awesome.
GORDON: That it would have. I wanted to Saladin vs. Emperor Qin myself.
EVAN: Ooh, that would’ve been sweet. Really, within China itself they could’ve gone further than just Ming Warrior and Sun Tzu.
GORDON: Oh yeah.
EVAN: I mean, the thing is, you became so invested when your own race or culture was represented. Like, I can’t even begin to imagine how crazy it must’ve gone on in Japanese households when the Samurai beat the Viking.
GORDON: Heh, heartbroken Swedes and Norwegians all across the Midwest.
EVAN: Dude, they were actually super angry.
GORDON: Were they? Huh.
EVAN: Yeah. This one guy decried the verdict of the show. Went out of his way to create videos where he demonstrated how the Viking weapons were by far superior. True story.
GORDON: Meh, if nothing else, it shows the sway the show had. But no longer. All that potential, all that good stuff, right down the drain.
EVAN: It really was our dream show in a lot of ways, wasn’t it-
GORDON: It really was-
EVAN: When is something like that going to come up again? I mean, honestly.
GORDON: When the history channel stops huffing whatever they’ve had the past half-decade and figures out where it’s at. . .
EVAN: They can, and should, pick it up.
GORDON: We should start a petition.
EVAN: I’d be surprised if there wasn’t one out there somewhere. . .
GORDON: Let’s find it and advertise it here.
EVAN: Well here ya go: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/bring-deadliest-warrior-back/
With a pitiful 16 signatures.
GORDON: Let the explosion commence! Faithful followers! We command you to sign this and share it with everyone you know!
I! HAVE! SPOKEN!
EVAN: AND THIS BRINGS OUR FEATURE TO A CLOSE! THANK YOU FOR LISTENING US BLATHER ON ABOUT A SHOW WE LOVE!
GORDON: GOOD NIGHT!
EVAN: FEEL FREE TO VOTE ABOUT WHAT WE TALK ABOUT NEXT!
Culture War Reporters 